


Ocean Avenue

by SelfDestroya



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, Domestic, Fluff and Smut, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 19:24:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1829455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelfDestroya/pseuds/SelfDestroya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the song Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard wherein Frank and Gerard are angsty teenagers in love who write letters to each other.<br/>10 years later and life is very different. Mikey lives with Gerard, Gerard draws cacti and, Gerard and Frank haven't spoken since.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ocean Avenue

**Author's Note:**

> Clearly I was listening to far too many loved-up songs whilst writing this so apologies for the countless embedded lyrics. The concept itself was a result of four weeks in January - yeah it took me a while - without an iPod on a bus to school so again, I'll make sure my iPod doesn't die in future.  
> I have changed ages but I don't think it affects the plot at all, it just makes the beginning a little easier.  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, like literally I am broke except for a few plot lines including this one.
> 
> Link to Russian translation http://ficbook.net/readfic/2312035  
> Thanks to Fluffy_Shit for said translation

_April 13th 1994_

_Dear Frank,_  
 _This may seem a little weird, right? Yeah, I think it does, but hey. I really enjoyed talking to you the other day. It felt weird, to have someone who seems to understand what’s going on right now. I hope you get what I mean, because I’m not sure I do. I just feel like everyone else I’ve ever spoken to has brushed me off, said my worries are meaningless, but you didn’t. No, you listened, even though you didn’t know me. Either way, I won’t be able to get out every week and I guess I’d like to keep talking to you. So I have an idea, it may seem a bit lame, but I like the idea that I get to keep speaking to you. So would you write me and leave your letter in the wall? Where this one is? Please? I hope you decide to, I really do. But if you don’t, I will understand, and just, know that I am thankful for your support the other day, see you soon, maybe..._  
 _Gerard xo_

_April 21st 1994_

_Dear Gerard,_  
 _I think your idea is brilliant. I’m so glad I was able to offer something useful. I thought you seemed lost and I wanted to help you. I’d love to keep this going, because you’re the first person who has ever given me the time of day. I’d like to be able to call you a friend? That would be nice. Either way, I will continue to write for as long as you do._  
 _So onto new things, tell me about your week. Tell me about the bad and the good; just tell me whatever you’re feeling. Who’s your favourite band? Favourite movie? Book? Whatever Gee, whatever you like. And I’ll be here._  
 _Frank xo_

_April 25th 1994_

_Dear Frank,_  
 _Thank you so much for writing. I don’t know what I’d’ve done if you hadn’t. I am lost, simply, I am very lost and I don’t know how to go about finding myself, but talking to you made me feel like someone else is experiencing the same thing. Yes, you can call me a friend because I already call you a friend. Not to anyone in particular. The only person I ever really speak to is Mikey—I told you about Mikey, right? I hope so._  
 _My week was pretty awful, I went to school and as usual, I had to deal with shit from people. They call me ‘faggot’ and tell me I’m worthless. And Frank, I believe them. I can’t help it, but I listen to them. Nothing good ever happens. My favourite band? – Wow, I don’t really know. I like all sorts; The Smiths, Iron Maiden, you know all that sort of stuff. They say shit about the music I like too. Mikey and I like a lot of horror movies. Anything with zombies is cool. And books, hmm, I mostly like comics...does that count? But, again anything horror. What about you, Frankie? Tell me._  
 _Gee xo_

Gerard’s sat on the floor in his dingy apartment, thumbing through pages and pages of letters, cigarette clamped between his teeth and a bottle of beer leaning against his knee. He can’t remember the exact reason he thought to pull the shoe box out from under his bed; can’t remember why he’s sat leafing through memories he pushed underneath his skin ages ago. He should have left them there, tucked away from the world, but he didn’t. And now he’s reliving it all. Frank. Frank, he’s reliving Frank and everything Frank brought with him. He likes to pretend he hasn’t thought about Frank in close to ten years, but he’s lying. He thinks about Frank every single day of his god forsaken life. Ever since he left, since the last time he saw Frank, he thinks about how he looked. Thinks about the look in his eyes, which hurts. He continues flicking through the weeks, trying to push the image of a close-to-tears Frank out of his mind. It doesn’t work.

_June 11th 1994_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _I wanna see you. Like so much, it hurts. Can we arrange it? It’s summer after all, and soon I’ll finish for vacation, so I think I can work my parents a little better now. I just need to see you. I can’t wait to not have to deal with these assholes every day. You’d think Catholic schools would be able to control bullying, but apparently not. I’d like to see you; I have something to tell you. Something important, very important and I’m hoping you won’t freak out too much._  
 _Frankie xo_

_June 13th 1994_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _PLEASE!! Oh fuck, you’ve no idea how desperate I am to see you again; it’s been too long now. I finish on Friday, as in two days from now. I can meet you, at the wall. We can hang out and go to Cherry Street. There’s a place there I can show you. It’s really cool. Please come, Friday? Maybe..._  
 _Sometimes I have this dream, about walking into your school, and finding every jackass that ever made your life hard and show them how it feels. How it feels to be abused for just being you. Then, I’d get you, and we could hang out all the time, never caring about our parents, we could be proper friends. Not that I don’t enjoy writing you, just it would be nice to actually talk to you. You know what I mean, right?_  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S You could tell me you were a chameleon and I wouldn’t freak out._

Gerard hadn’t freaked out. He had stayed utterly speechless the entire time Frank told him that he’d fallen in love with him. Frank had fallen in love with Gerard. The words still taste a little unbelievable when Gerard repeats them to himself even now, ten years later. He still remembers how it had felt, hearing the words he’d wished more than anything to hear. It was like a dream, he’d felt hazy for a moment, then he’d kissed Frank. And that was how they had begun. How the best year of Gerard’s life had begun. He had been 17 and hadn’t understood he’d never be that happy again. Now he’s 27 and he wishes he could see Frank again. But he can’t, because he’d ruined everything.  
Gerard stands up, placing the crumpled pile of memories onto his bedside table. He walks clumsily towards the fridge to get yet another bottle of beer out. Walks back to the couch, throws himself down onto it and lets the tears which have been threatening to burst out all week slide down his face. He drinks the beer, smokes the rest of his pack of cigarettes and cries. Like he’d done the night he’d messed it up. He falls asleep like that.

_June 22nd 1994_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _Thank you. Thank you for coming to see me; thank you for writing me; thank you for being the best friend I’ve ever had; and finally, thank you for falling in love with me. It would have been a shame to have fallen in love on my own. I can’t believe it Frankie, can’t believe you’re in love with me. The words don’t sound right though, not without your voice behind them. I need to hear your voice again. Friday night was the best night of my life, and it sounds too much like a cliché but I can’t help it. I love you. I’m happy I got to show you the place on the corner of Cherry Street. I’m glad, because you’re the only person I want to go there with. Write me soon, and we’ll do it again,_  
 _See you soon,_  
 _Gee xo_

_June 25th 1994_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _Just you try and stop me. If I had my way, you’d be very bored of my face. Meet me this Friday? We can sit again, under that tree and watch the people like last week. Maybe you could kiss me again? I thought about you kissing me an awful lot. Too much I guess, but I couldn’t help it. You’re just so gorgeous Gee, too damn pretty for your own good. You had me at hello, I promise you did. And I don’t mind clichés, throw them at me, nothing you could ever do would stop you being amazing._  
 _Of course I’d be in love with you. No one has ever cared about me. My mom has spent the past 15 years pretending she doesn’t have to look after me. School is a load of bullshit, I wish you were there. I can’t be myself with anyone but you and I’ve only known you 3 months. Seriously how did you do that? Meet me Friday,_  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S You’re more than welcome Gee._  
 _P.P.S I love you_

Gerard wakes up the next day with a cracking headache. He stretches and falls off the couch knocking over the bottle he left there last night. He wanders into the kitchen, puts on the coffee maker and grabs his mug off the counter. Every morning is exactly the same so there’s no need for him to think about what he’s doing. Instead, like every other morning, he thinks about Frank. More over he thinks about what had happened after the last letter he read. He thinks about that summer. But his daydream doesn’t last long as he’s distracted by the beeping alert noise, which if it weren’t connected to the coffee maker and thus forgiven of all its sins, would be the most irritating thing on the planet. Actually the second, as the most irritating thing in the world is currently snatching the hot pot of coffee out of his hand.  
“Mikey!” Gerard shouts, which is a big mistake because he only just woke up.  
“Ew, please don’t shout.”Mikey looks like he might hit Gerard, but he doesn’t, because despite Gerard’s constant complaining, he’s an awesome brother.  
“Bitch, you fucking stole my coffee.” Gerard says, much quieter now.  
“And your point is?”  
“Well, I made it.”  
“And now I’m drinking it.” Mikey walks out the kitchen, perching on the corner of the couch and turning on the TV. He channel hops for a minute whilst Gerard pours himself a cup of coffee and sits down beside Mikey who now seems to have settled on some dodgy cartoons.  
“Did you sleep here last night or something? Couch feels more like a bunch of springs.” Mikey says, without looking at Gerard.  
“Yeah, I thought you were going to that girl’s last night anyway.” Gerard tries not to sound accusatory, but probably fails. Mikey doesn’t notice or more probably chooses not to mention it. Another reason Gerard really should be nicer to his brother.  
“Eh, I was gonna, but she was a little boring to be honest.” They don’t speak again, but focus on the badly animated drawings prancing round the screen. Two cups of coffee later and they’re both dressed and ready for work.

_August 17th 1994_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _Stupid motherfucking homophobic fucking parents. Sorry, they wouldn’t stop making comments today about how wrong it is to be gay, about how the bible said this that and the other. I just wanted to get out. I don’t even know why they insist on these pathetic fucking traditions. Like, they’re trying to make us seem more like a family but it just ends up being one big argument._  
 _All I could think about was you. About the taste of your skin under my tongue. About how amazing I feel every time you kiss me. I had to excuse myself Gee; you don’t understand what you do to me. I can’t wait to see you again this week, I’m not going to be able to control myself though Gee. Two weeks is too long, I have no idea how I’ll last when we have to go back to school._  
 _See you Friday,_  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

_August 19th 1994_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _Jesus, two more days, I will not last. I’m so sorry to hear about your stupid parents. One day Frankie, I promise you I’ll get you out of there. We can go to New York and you can play while I draw. It’ll be perfect and it’ll be one big ‘fuck you’ to all the assholes who ever made you unhappy._  
 _Jesus Frank, I can’t get rid of the image of you touching yourself at the thought of me while your parents are eating in the next room. It’s so hot and it’s all over my dreams. I keep waking up hard and rushing to the bathroom. I cum right away Frank, imagining your hand there. I probably shouldn’t be writing this, but I’m touching myself right now. I just want you so bad, Friday seems too far away. I can’t handle this. I don’t even want to think about not seeing you. I promise I’ll never let that happen._  
 _Friday, I can’t wait,_  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

Gerard sat at his desk stroking over the three words that Frank put at the end of every letter. He’d brought them to work to read during his lunch break. It was like some sad little tradition. It hurt reading those words though. Knowing that he’d broken his promise, he had let it happen. He hadn’t seen Frank in years. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair wishing there were something he could do to make his pain disappear. He knew, knew because Mikey had told him enough times, that the simple answer was to find Frank’s number and call him. “It wouldn’t be that hard,” Mikey had said. But that wasn’t what stopped Gerard. What’s stopping him, even right now, as he sits at his desk doing his dumb job, is the paralysing fear that Frank will not want to talk to him. That he, like Gerard will blame him for what happened, because he has every right to since it was Gerard’s fault, no matter how many arguments he has with Mikey about it. He can’t even bring himself to think about how that rejection would feel. So instead he chooses the safe route, playing it like he has for the past however many years, and rereading everything he wrote wishing it had turned out differently.  
That night, after he’s handed in his sketches to his boss, regretting every line his pen had made, he goes home and watches Star Wars with Mikey. They order pizza and talk about life. Well, they talk in their own way, raised eyebrows and wild hand gestures. They talk about how they dislike their jobs; Mikey works at some computer programming place, but he doesn’t like how they rip people off; Gerard works at some advertising company drawing blue monkey after blue monkey that’s supposed to be selling that new washing machine you absolutely have to have or you’ll just die. He hates the monkeys. They’re not helping anyone, neither is the washing machine.

_September 1st 1994_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _Oh my god! I just...wow, Gee, wow! I don’t really know how to tell you how perfect last night was. I didn’t know I could feel that good. I know you were worried but I gotta say I don’t know why. Everything was amazing. I have something to get me through school. I know it’ll be hard but I don’t want to stop meeting you, we can try, right? I hope so._  
 _Frank xo_  
 _P.S I love you_  
 _P.P.S Would it be ok if I took your breath away for once?_

_September 5th 1994_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _You already did Frank. You have been doing so all summer, ever since I met you. I’m so happy you thought it was as good as I did, I didn’t want to seem too eager. But I was Frankie, I’ve been thinking about you like that since you told me you loved me—and before that as well. You laid on your back with your legs spread moaning my name like you did. I can’t get over how goddamn beautiful you are, I don’t think I ever will. It’s inhumane really, for one person to have this much control over me. I want you Frankie, more than air, more than anything and I won’t stop till I get you._  
 _I think you’re right. I don’t think I’ll be able to get through without you, without seeing you. It’ll be less often but we’ll still write._  
 _Can you tell me something, tell me about your dreams, I want to hear more about what you want. Please?_  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

Gerard sighs yet again, another promise he broke. He remembers that night, how good it felt to be needed like that. How good Frank had felt. It is still how he pictures Frank. How he pictures him when he jerks off at night while Mikey’s out at some club hooking up with some girl. He feels like a massive pervert sometimes, but he can’t help it. If there was one thing that had remained true, it was that he still couldn’t get over how beautiful Frank was. He sighs again, pressing himself further into his pillows, cursing the tears which are stinging behind his eyes. “Pull yourself together.” He mutters to himself.  
Just then, there’s a soft tap at the door and Mikey’s head appears staring at him behind his glasses. Gerard’s sure his face looks like a deer caught in headlights, he stopped feeling embarrassed about reading the letters a while ago. Mikey’s caught him too many times. But it still makes Gerard feel a little pathetic every time.  
“Gerard,” Mikey sighs, entering the room and sitting at the end of Gerard’s bed, “Would you please call him?”  
“What?” Gerard always does this.  
“Stop acting like you don’t know who I’m talking about. I wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t think you were still in love with him, but you clearly are and it’s heartbreaking watching you do this to yourself.  
“I can’t Mikey.” Gerard practically whines, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. He knows he looks pathetic but he can’t help it.  
“You can. I get that you’re afraid of what he’ll say, but this can’t go on. Not any longer, you need to know, you know for that thing,” he waves his hand around wildly as though it’ll fill in the missing word, “Closure!” He looks a little proud of himself.  
“I know. I know I need to Mikes, but-“  
“But what if he’s pissed? Well if he is, he is, and you’ll deal with it. But wouldn’t you rather at least know?”  
Mikey has a point. He always does and Gerard hates him for it. He rolls over and squashes his face into his sheets; he really needs to change them.  
“Fine.” He mumbles, though it comes out a little muffled, Mikey already knew he’d won.  
“Good, now move your ass over, we’re watching Dawn of the Dead.”  
“Ugh, not again.” Gerard groans, shuffling over, though he’s secretly happy. The film reminds him of being 15 again, in his basement, with Mikey, the volume turned right down, because Mikey isn’t supposed to be watching X-rated (but come on, we all know it should have been an R-rating) movies. Mikey knows it too and puts the movie on without another word. They’re silent throughout, firm believers in the whole ‘you cannot enjoy the theatrical genius if you’re talking’.

_October 15th 1994_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _You’ll never believe it. My parents are going away for Halloween! Like the entire day and night and next day! And I know that’s you’re birthday, so I have a plan. You can come here and stay the night and we can watch movies and order pizza. Mikey is totally in on the idea so he’ll cover our asses if needs be. Do you want to? I mean I understand if you have plans or if you just can’t, but I thought I might as well ask. Anyway let me know soon baby and I’ll make sure everything is perfect._  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

_October 19th 1994_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _YES, YES OH MY FUCKING GOD YES!!! I don’t think I can say it enough but YES!! It’ll be the best birthday ever; I can’t believe you thought I might have said no. I’d cancel a mission to the fucking moon for you baby!! What time? And what’s your address?_  
 _I’ll bring the popcorn. I’m counting down the days,_  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

Gerard, thanks to his inordinately busy schedule in which he attempts to finalise three different monkey drawings, has been able to avoid completing Mikey’s request. The day after he agreed to talk to Frank, he awoke earlier than usual in order to get his coffee and leave before he saw Mikey. The rest of the week has been following a similar pattern. However nothing goes right in his life for too long, that would almost be considered fair and therefore certainly not allowed. It’s Thursday and Gerard is sitting at one of the few small circular tables in Starbucks with his laptop on in front of him. He’s making use of their new ‘free Wi-Fi’ offers as he scrolls through pages and pages of pointless articles and bullshit. He does this every Thursday as there’s never much to do at the office during the lunch hour so it’s nothing out of the ordinary that he’s sat where he is right now. He’s just reading some article on some oversized marrow some farmer has grown in some remote corner of England that has beaten some world record (seriously, there’s a world record for the largest grown marrow?) when the door opens, blowing a gust of frosty November air into the cafe. Gerard looks up and inhales sharply. He’d recognise that pile of bouncy hair anyway. He thinks of shouting out, but after a moment of deliberation, attempts to shrink back into the wooden back of his chair. It doesn’t work, of course it didn’t, when was the last time something went as Gerard planned?  
“Gerard!” Ray’s looking across at him, with a brilliant smile, all wide eyes and goofy teeth, and Gerard feels like the worst person ever for considering not speaking to Ray.  
“Hey, Ray.” He replies waving his hand at the chair across from him in a gesture that vaguely resembles ‘please sit’.  
Ray gets it though, “Yeah sure,” he says, walking over to the counter, “Just order my coffee, wanna another one?” Of course he’d offer to buy Gerard a drink.  
“Yeah please, I’ll have a-“  
“A black filter, right?” He interrupts, glancing at the cup on the table in front of Gerard to confirm.  
“Yeah, you remember?” Gerard asks, hesitantly. Of course Ray would remember the kind of coffee Gerard drinks, of course he would.  
“Dude, seriously. The entire time I knew you, that was all you ever drank.”  
After Ray orders both their coffees he sits down opposite Gerard and they begin talking, skipping the bit where normal people would insert small talk. Apparently, Ray now works at this music shop, no, he manages the shop. He also tunes sometimes for a bunch of local bands that perform at this club he works at as well. Frankly, Gerard feels a little intimidated telling Ray about the monkeys.  
“So, Gee, I don’t think I’ve seen you since college. Did you ever meet up with that guy you were totally in love with?”  
Gerard shifts a little in his seat; he doesn’t want to have this conversation again, especially not with his old roommate. Ray had sat through hours of Gerard moping, back when he’d first started college and only just done the messing up thing. So basically Ray had dealt, alongside Mikey of course, with the immediate aftermath.  
“No, no I haven’t really.” Gerard says quietly.  
“What?” Ray looks as though he might hit something or laugh or cry. “You spent four years crying over him and still didn’t do anything. For fuck’s sake Gerard, it’s been ten years you promised me seven of those ago that you would sort it!” He hisses, looking round to make sure he isn’t disturbing anyone.  
“I know I know, but I didn’t,” Gerard huffs you should spend more time with Mikey.” Gerard mutters. Ray sighs exasperatedly.  
“Maybe I will.” He says.

_November 24th 1994_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _Ugh, I am so frustrated right now. I can’t even walk from one class to the next without some scumbag with only half a brain yelling some ‘fag’ related insult at me. It wouldn’t be so bad if they got some originality but it’s the same ones over and over again and I’m tired of it, Gee. I’m tired of watching my back and constantly looking over my shoulder. I’m tired of feeling paranoid about my mom finding these notes and stopping me seeing you. I miss you. I keep thinking about that night and it just makes me want you a million times more than I can handle. Sorry, I shouldn’t be offloading all this onto you. You don’t want to hear me complaining. I’ll stop, don’t worry._  
 _It’ll be Christmas in a month so maybe we’ll be able to see each other more? I hope so, I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take, I really don’t._  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

_November 28th 1994_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _I’m so sorry baby, I’m sorry I can’t be there to make them stop, I really am. I wish I could make everything better for you, but I can’t and I feel like I’m letting you down. I would suggest you stop writing me, then you wouldn’t have to worry about that, but I don’t know what I’d do without you, so please don’t stop. I’m begging you. You can complain to me, it’s part of my job. If I can’t be there to help you, then I’ll be there to listen to you, whenever you need it. I’m your boyfriend after all._  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

_Gerard remembers feeling almost sick with nerves sending that letter. They’d never talked about boyfriends or any kind of relationship status for that matter. He also remembers how elated he’d felt upon reading Frank’s reply._

_November 30th 1994_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _Thank you! I have nothing else to say, I love you. I just don’t want you to feel that I’m whining but knowing you’ll be there is genuinely the best feeling. I’ll write you properly soon; my mom’s giving me a hard time at the minute so I’m sorry this is rushed._  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S I don’t think I could ever tire of hearing you call me your boyfriend. I’m so glad you said it; if I could ask a favour of you, that you might say it again?_  
 _P.P.S I love you_

“So, guess who I ran into the other day?” Gerard asks around a mouthful of noodles. Mikey continues to shovel his rice into his mouth, without looking up he replies,  
“Who?”  
“Ray.”  
“Really? How is he?” Mikey appears genuinely interested, even going so far as to cock his eyebrow and change the pitch of his voice to one of surprise.  
“Good, he’s manager at the music store; you know the one round the corner?” Mikey hums his confirmation and Gerard ploughs on.  
“Yeah, he also works at that bar, uhm, The Shed I think. Anyway, he works there and tunes for a whole bunch of bands that play there a lot.” Gerard tries to keep the hint of jealousy out of his voice but he probably fails.  
“Wow.” Mikey mumbles. Gerard thinks he must be very impressed.  
“He said there was this band playing there in a couple of weeks. Thinks they might be our kind of thing. Told me we should head along, check them out. I think he wants to see you again.”  
“And of course,” Mikey begins, “You said we were busy, am I right?” Gerard looks down guiltily. He has a bit of a reputation for being a hermit, even in college he’d hide in his dorm drawing whilst everyone else went out partying.  
“Gee,” Mikey sighs, voice laced with frustration, “We are going to that show, and I don’t care what you say. You need to get out. In fact,” He says standing up and marching straight toward their calendar which is pinned on the wall, “I’m writing it on right now. When is it exactly, time as well!”  
“Next Saturday at 8pm.” Mikey scrawls on the details and sits back down.  
“Right, any other events we’ve been invited to that I need to write down so I can make sure you leave the house other than for work or to see our mother?” Mikey demands.  
“Not that I’m aware of.” Gerard mumbles returning his attention to his noodles.

_December 22nd 1994_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!! Oh my gosh, baby, you’ve no idea how much I miss your face. I thought about it today when I was out shopping. Just something you said a while back about moving to New York...you probably don’t remember. I saw some apartment listings you see, and I couldn’t help thinking how perfect it would be to buy one with you. You also asked about my dreams, well, living with you is top of my list right now. I want to live with you, wake up every morning and make you coffee, I know how much you love coffee. We could go shopping in the snow and go to the movies. There was this gore marathon on the other day that made me think of you. To be honest I can’t stop thinking of you, Gee._  
 _Do you like dogs, Gee? I realised I never asked you that, and well I love them, so maybe we could get a dog too? That’d be cool. I wrote a song this week, maybe you could come see me on Friday, and I could play you the song? Maybe..._  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S All I want for Christmas is you_  
 _P.P.S I fucking love you_

_December 24th 1994_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _Merry Christmas baby! I miss you too and I remember everything. I think you have the best ideas. There’s nothing I’d love more than to do that with you Frank. It would be perfect, you’re perfect. You didn’t ask me about the dogs, but I love them and I’d love to get one. We could be this super-cute couple with dogs instead of kids...although I guess kids wouldn’t be terrible...perhaps?_  
 _I’ll keep the image of you and I living in New York with a couple of dogs, a tonne of music and a whole load of books...seriously though the comics I showed you on Halloween? Not even the tip of the iceberg, we might have to get two rooms, one just for all of them. I’d love to, I got you a present anyway, so see you Friday, the 26th right? Have a good Christmas Frank, hope you get all you want..._  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S Hey, guess what? I love you_

Gerard sighs, fisting his hand through his hair, staring at the calendar, phone tucked between his shoulder and the side of his face. His mom is calling him, attempting to confirm plans for Christmas, even though the plan has been exactly the same since Gerard moved out.  
“Yeah mom, we’ll be down on the 22nd don’t worry.” He sighs, exasperated. His mother has a way of drawing all his patience out of him; she feeds off it as though she’s some crazy Pokémon using that irritating ‘absorb’ move.  
“Good, ask Mikey if he’s still seeing that girl, and if she’ll be coming would you sweetie?”  
“He’s not and she won’t be as a result.” Gerard says a little frustrated with the lack of direction this conversation seems to have.  
“And what about you, baby? Anyone new?” There’s definitely hope in her voice, Gerard hasn’t brought a guy home in three years, and that was a bust. He’d spent the entire day cooing over his mother’s lace tablecloth. Not what Gerard was looking for in a boyfriend, an interior decorator for his mother, maybe, but a boyfriend, no.  
“No, mom, afraid not. Just me and Mikey,” he says, “on our own.” He adds just to confirm.  
“Alright, well I’ll let you get back to work then. See you soon Gerard, love you.”  
“Love you too mom, bye.” He hangs up, relieved to have the pressure of his ear and his brain for that matter. He continues to stare at the calendar, looking at the event marked for this Saturday. He’s still trying to figure out a way of not going but he knows his attempts will be futile. Mikey will make him go, even if he has to drag him there by his ears. It wouldn’t be so terrible, if Mikey didn’t ditch him ten minutes in, in order to suck some random girl’s face of for the entire evening. Seriously, always happens, Gerard’s counting, so far the total is sixteen times. Gerard has threatened to do the same thing on multiple occasions but Mikey knows as well as he does that it will never happen. Nobody would want to suck face with Gerard.

_January 29th 1995_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _I’m so jealous of you right now. How did your parents react when you told them? Like, how did you even start that conversation? I wish I could tell my parents without thinking they might eat me. It’s just annoying, like it doesn’t change me, right? All it is is that instead of stumbling across magazines with boobs plastered on every page, my mom will find a bunch of pictures of you...and some of the best letters...which are slightly over-read. Just give me all your secrets, now!!_  
 _Eh, anyway, I think we should meet for Valentine’s Day...you know, since you’re my boyfriend and all. My school is having this really lame dance and I wish I could go with you, but, my mom is making me get a tux and go on my own. So...I could skip it and meet you instead. Promise I won’t make you dance. Please?_  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

_February 2nd 1995_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _Don’t be jealous, I’m sure one day you’ll get there. You’re parents will accept you in the end, and if they don’t then you don’t need that kind of negativity anyway. I just came right out with it, my parents weren’t surprised though. They’d already guessed a while back. What are you doing with those letters Frankie? Hmm..._  
 _That sounds fucking awesome, I’d love to. Make the reservations for the usual place! I’d love to see you in a tux, I bet you look adorable and sexy all at the same time. Gosh darn, I would have danced with you, I’d dance with you till my legs fell off._  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

_February 6th 1995_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _Well...nothing much, Gee, cross my heart. I just read them...and imagine you laid next to me, doing all the things you’re talking about in your letters..._  
 _I guess you’re right, I mean I’ll have to tell them one day and they’ll just have to suck it up, won’t they?_  
 _I’m so glad you wanna come and don’t worry, I already made sure no one would be at our tree—it’s an exclusive tree, not many people know about it. If you want to dance, then I’m all for it, just know that I can’t actually dance so it may look more like a horror show. If I’m wearing a tux, so are you and, you will let me take photos! See you then baby._  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

“I have nothing to wear.” Gerard complains at Mikey, who is stood in the bathroom, destroying the ozone layer with a serious amount of hairspray.  
“What? Are you serious Gee?” Mikey says, turning to look at his brother through the haze of choking hairspray. Gerard stands, shirtless playing with loose thread on his black jeans. He knew it wouldn’t work, but it was worth a shot. He can tell by the look in Mikey’s eyes that he isn’t buying it and he’s not going to stop staring until Gerard feels compelled to back out the bathroom and put a top on. Eventually, Gerard can’t bear the pressure of Mikey’s gaze any longer and retreats back into his own room to find a T-shirt. This, as it turns out, isn’t that difficult, there’s a pile right in the middle of his floor. However the problem lies in finding one which is reasonably clean. After smelling somewhere in the region of six defiantly unclean ones, he selects a Green Day shirt which appears to be only two days old. Then, after standing for ten minutes nagging Mikey, he drags him out the bathroom in the middle of adjusting his belt, mumbling about how “he’d rather get it over and done with.”  
By the time they make it to the bar Mikey’s still grumbling about his reduced mirror time but Gerard ignores him as they enter looking round feeling very out of depth. The bar is surprisingly dark and there’re a lot of people packed in tightly. If Gerard feels slightly claustrophobic, he’s careful not to mention anything to Mikey - not that that’s even possible as, when Gerard turns to look at the spot Mikey literally just was, he’s not there. He looks around frantically and eventually spots Mikey with his face attached to some girl in a very tight short skirt which is mostly covered by her over-sized T-shirt. Gerard sighs, they weren’t even here two minutes, how the hell does he do that?  
He pushes his way to the bar and orders a beer which is slammed down in front of him a couple of minutes later. He flicks a couple of bills across to the girl and scrambles to move away from the masses of people all jostling for position. Just then he feels a hand clasp tightly on his shoulder and spins around to see Ray beaming at him like he was the only person he ever wanted to see again.  
“You made it!” Ray shouts over the din.  
“Yeah, Mikey came too but I have a feeling he’s a little pre-occupied.”  
Ray laughs. “Yeah I already bumped into him, he looked like he was having fun.”  
Gerard nods feeling a little awkward. Small talk isn’t his best skill, especially not in a crowded bar, “Hey, can I get you a beer?” He’s silently praying Ray says no so he doesn’t have to negotiate the queue of people again but he doesn’t want to seem rude.  
“Nah, it’s cool, I gotta get backstage anyway. See you in a bit?” Ray smiles. Gerard lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding – my god he’s a serious wimp and nods at Ray. Ray smiles; again, his face must hurt from all the smiling he does and then he scoots off towards what Gerard presumes is backstage. Gerard stands there awkwardly for the next twenty minutes, trying not to get shoved or hit in the face by a stray elbow, until the band comes on. They’re not bad, Gerard decides, a little off rhythm and the bass could use a little work, but mostly they have some catchy choruses and truly edgy riffs. He could get into these if he tried.  
Sometime during the performance he looks up and catches someone glancing at him. His expression suggests he knows Gerard but isn’t quite sure about it. This is a little odd considering Gerard’s hermit-like tendencies means he hasn’t had much opportunity to meet many people the past few years. He gives the guy a few looks and decides he’s defiantly seen him before too, but he doesn’t know where. The guy has full sleeves of tattoos, a nose and lip piecing and, black hair that’s getting long. He’s wearing all black, with really tight skinny jeans and Gerard can’t help thinking he’s really hot. He doesn’t want to look like a stalker so he manages to tear his eyes away and turn his attention back to the band on stage. He can’t shake the guy from his mind all night though and ends up mentioning it to Mikey when he finally meets him again after the band’s finished.  
“So I saw this guy. He looked like he knew me.” He says to Mikey trying hard not to sound like a creepy pervert who stares at tattooed men at gigs – he totally does though, and Mikey knows it.  
Mikey raises his eyebrows and gives Gerard a look which, in Mikey-speak, means ‘I’m so onto you’.  
“I’m serious Mikes, he gave me this look.” He sounds like a whiny teenager and he knows it.  
“You sure he wasn’t just trying to figure out if you were actually dead?” Mikey jokes, “I mean you kinda look like one of Romero’s zombies.”  
“Shut up.” Gerard punches Mikey on the arm even though he knows he’s probably right. He does look like a member of the living dead to be fair.  
Gerard tries his best not to think about tattooed guy for the rest of the night, but he fails miserably and ends up sitting in bed thinking about who the guy is and what his life is like. He imagines talking to him and finding out about the guy’s hobbies. It’s really very creepy but Gerard has an over-active imagination when it comes to strangers he sees randomly.

_March 14th 1995_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _I was thinking today, about what’s gonna happen when I go to college this year. Maybe I could write to your home address but your mom would probably get suspicious. I just have no idea how I’m gonna last if I don’t get to talk to you, ugh we’ll figure something...I hope._  
 _I think my parents have figured out I’m talking to someone. Don’t worry, they don’t know who, they just know something’s up. Mikey says I have these moments, where it looks like I’m a million miles away and I start smiling like an idiot. It’s because I’m thinking about you and you make me happy. He knows about you obviously and by the way, he thinks you’re awesome and have excellent taste in movies. You’ll have to come over again, I’d like that._  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

_March 17th 1995_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking about that. Don’t worry too much, we still have the summer and we will figure it out, I’ll make sure of it. I love you too much to let you go._  
 _Your parents are smart, or you’re just obvious. I do the same thing, get really spaced out at school and stuff, but people ignore me so no one really notices. I’m glad I make you happy, but I have to pay you back somehow. You make me happier than anything so you deserve it._  
 _Tell Mikey I think he’s awesome too and I will defiantly be returning. Just try and stop me._  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

Gerard doesn’t think about hot tattooed guy much during the next two weeks leading up to Christmas, he doesn’t think about him when he’s sat back in his old house eating turkey with the rest of his family and, he defiantly doesn’t think about him when he’s knocking back countless shots with Mikey and a whole bunch of people he doesn’t know.  
He goes back to work on January 3rd after spending the days previous with his head in a toilet wishing he were dead. His boss calls him in to tell him the monkeys were a huge success over the holiday season but now he has a few talking cacti to draw. He forgets the reason, mainly because he’s so embarrassed when he has to explain to Mikey he can’t come out that night; he has too many green spiky plants wearing sunglasses to draw. Mikey laughs at his misfortune, of course he fucking does, he’s an asshole, and reminds Gerard that if he’s really that unhappy he should just quit. Gerard’s not stupid and as much as he wants to quit he wants to be able to eat and therefore must keep the job in order to buy food.  
Mikey hasn’t mentioned calling Frank since that night at the bar with Ray, which Gerard finds a little unusual but decides not to dwell on it since he enjoys not being nagged by his little brother.  
“Hey, Gee?” Mikey says as he walks through the front door, coming up to Gerard who’s currently in the kitchen attempting to make dinner. “Oh, wow, nice apron.” Mikey mocks.  
Gerard brushes his hands on his flowery apron trying hard to resist the urge to hit Mikey, “What?” He demands.  
“Oh nothing, what are we having then Delia?”  
“Oh go get fucked Mikey. I will not make you any pie otherwise.” Gerard threatens, though he knows he’ not very intimidating.  
“Pie! Ok I’ll stop, just funny.”  
“Yeah, ha-ha, laugh-a-minute I’m sure.” Gerard says bitterly, rolling a piece of pastry into an even circular disc. “What did you want?”  
“Oh yeah,” Mikey turns his attention back to Gerard fixing his expression so it doesn’t look like he’s about to die from laughter. “Would you come with me somewhere tomorrow?”  
“Tomorrow’s Saturday, right?”  
“Yes, well done Gee, the calendar’s really helping you then.” Mikey chuckles  
“Fuck off, I’ve been busy, these cacti are getting to me.”  
“Yeah I can see that, is one of the side effects a sex change?” Mikey questions pointing towards the pie dishes on the counter.  
“That’s a gender stereotype, you shouldn’t make those Mikes.”  
“Whatever, anyway, will you come with me?”  
“I don’t know where we’re going.”  
“Nowhere special, just meeting Ray for coffee.”  
“And why do I need to go?” Gerard says eyeing Mikey suspiciously.  
“Dude, I’m offering you a once in a lifetime escape from talking plants and you’re questioning me!”  
Gerard contemplates for a minute; Mikey makes a good point, his work is making him very nauseous and he wouldn’t mind seeing Ray again. “Fine.” He sighs and Mikey smiles for a brief second before grabbing a beer and escaping to the living room to sit himself in front of the TV.

_March 29th 1995_

_Dear Gee,_  
 _Ok I have this really cheesy idea that I thought of today. I really really really want loads of tattoos when I’m older and judging by the drawing you got me for Christmas I was thinking you could design me my first one? I know, pretty lame, but I just really love the idea of having this part of you permanently inked on my skin. I know you can’t come with me – seriously, why’d you have to be afraid of needles – but I thought this would be better._  
 _Frankie xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

_April 2nd 1995_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _I would be honoured to do that! I can’t believe you want me to draw it though, because I’m not that great and wow you must trust me a lot. I know, fuck my stupid phobias, sorry baby. I was thinking about you with tattoos all over your skin yesterday and I got very carried away. You’d be fucking beautiful though Frankie, you don’t understand how hot you’d be. You already have unreasonable power over me and now I gotta adjust to tattooed Frank. Fuck. I will defiantly do it though. We should meet to discuss._  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S I love you_

The next day, Mikey and Gerard walk to Starbucks even though they’ve just drunk three cups of coffee but Gerard isn’t complaining. He’s talking and Mikey isn’t listening just nodding occasionally and raising his eyebrows to make it look like he is. Gerard can see right through it though.  
They enter the shop, warm air shrouding them and the smell of fresh coffee filling Gerard’s lungs. They order their drinks and Gerard spies Ray sat at the back. Ray’s not alone though, no, he’s sat with hot tattooed guy?! What the fuck? He makes his way to the table following Mikey, who flops down next the Ray. Gerard stands gawping at the guy, who now Gerard can be sure he’s seen before. In fact he’s pretty sure he knows exactly who this is and he feels as though his stomach might just fall out of his body. He swallows. His throat is suddenly very dry and he is having a lot of trouble breathing like a functional human being. Tattooed guy is staring up at him like he’s seen a ghost. He’s suddenly gone very pale and his hands are gripping his jeans at his thighs very tightly.  
“Gee, sit down; you look like you might faint.” Ray says with a small smile. He knows what’s up and he’s enjoying it, fucker.  
“By the way, Mikey, Gee, this is Frank. I work with him, thought you guys should meet.” Gerard gulps. He’s imagining this. Did he overdose on his medication this morning? Maybe he’s still drunk form last night? Is he high? No he hasn’t smoked anything in a few weeks now and, last he checked, weed does not last this long. His palms are sweating furiously and he thinks his vision is going blurry.  
“Hey.” Frank says weakly. He looks more collected than Gerard but still apparently freaking out. “Hey Gerard, it’s – it’s been a while.” He chokes a little.  
“Oh, you guys know each other?” Mikey asks, feigning surprise. Gee glares at him, this is all his fault. Mikey gets the message and hold his hands up in surrender.  
“Ok ok, but it was Ray’s idea too!” He says pointing at Ray who at least has the decency to look a little guilty.  
“You guys were never gonna do this on your own though, so you know.” Mikey says. Frank’s looking at his feet, looking increasingly uncomfortable, just how Gerard feels. Suddenly there’s a brief distraction in the form of a waitress who places Gerard and Mikey’s coffees down before shuffling off.  
“Right,” Gerard begins a sudden air of confidence present in his tone. “Explain. Everything.”  
“Well, honest to god, I do work with Frank; I have done for a while now but I never made the connection. And then I saw you here a few weeks ago and I had...I had a feeling, that it could be who you were looking for. But obviously I wasn’t sure, so, I asked you guys,” he points at Gerard and Mikey, “to come to the bar. And then Mikey said you’d noticed Frank but you weren’t sure who it was. He said, you recognized him but couldn’t quite make the connection. So Mikey and I put two and two together and decided we had the both of you, but we needed to get you to meet. Neither of you seemed to be doing anything even though I had told both of you to. So, Mikey and I took matters into our own hands and tada.” He finishes with a little wave round the table.  
“So you just planned the whole thing?” The voice comes from Frank who’s looking a little confused.  
“Yes.” Mikey answers.  
“What if we didn’t want to see each other again?” It’s Frank again. The words hang in the air for a minute, searing through Gerard’s skin to the very part of him that knew Frank would blame him. His breath catches in his throat as he goes to answer.  
“What?” Gerard whispers feeling like someone just ran over his puppy.  
“Well, what if I didn’t want to see you?” Frank says, louder and clearer this time.  
“Oh.” Ray says looking very confused. “Erm, guess we didn’t consider that eventuality. But you do want to see each other, right?” He asks very hesitantly. There’s silence. A silence which seems to contain every negative thought Gerard’s ever had about how this situation would work out. His brain is caught between racing between thoughts and sluggishly fixating on the last thing Frank just said.  
“Do you – do you not want to see me?” Gerard asks already anticipating the answer.  
“I don’t know.” He replies solemnly. It suddenly feels like they’re the only two people in the world and Gerard can hear the blood rushing in his ears. He feels sick. He blinks at Frank, feeling tears stinging at the back of his eyes. He will not cry in front of him, not again, no, he will not. Frank looks like he regrets the words but Gerard can’t process it. All he can think is what he’s always thought: Frank blames him and not only that, Frank doesn’t want to see him. And no matter how many times he thought about that, he’s still not mentally prepared to hear it from Frank himself.  
“Oh.” He chokes out before standing up and rushing to the front door ignoring the pleas he hears behind him. Gerard can’t even wait till he gets home; he hides behind a few bins in some shitty alley way and cries. It takes him ten minutes to stop crying and then he throws up in the bin. Then he cries some more. He cries so much he thinks his eyes might have dissolved into his skull. He takes a minute to recollect himself before continuing on back to his apartment where he locks the door, grabs a beer, necks it and cries some more. He falls asleep on the kitchen floor with tears staining his face and beer staining his breath.

“Wake the fuck up!” Mikey shouts kicking Gerard in the side.  
“Wha?” Gerard mumbles, looking up at Mikey through a bleary haze of sleep. Mikey’s stood next to Gerard, hands on hips and wearing a slightly murderous expression.  
“What the hell was all that about? And why did I have to nearly break down the door to my own apartment?” Mikey yells. Gerard rubs his forehead and groans, shifting himself into a more upright position. It proves a little tricky as his face is sort of stuck to the tiles on the floor, but eventually he musters enough strength to stumble to his feet.  
“Could you not yell please?” Gerard asks sleepily. His head is pounding and Mikey’s unrelenting gaze isn’t helping matters.  
“No, not until you explain to me what the fuck happened!”  
“He didn’t want to see me Mikes, I wasn’t gonna stick around for any more of that.”  
“Right, did you even give him any time to explain though?”  
“Explain what, it was pretty fucking clear. He doesn’t want to see me!”  
“And you know that how?” Mikey says indignantly. He has his pissy face on which makes Gerard a little uncomfortable. His tone also suggests he’s not going to leave Gerard alone until he’s gotten what he wants from him.  
“Because he said so Mikey. Weren’t you there? He said ‘what if I don’t want to see you?’ Isn’t that a considerable give away?”  
“Gerard, you know you’re my brother and you know I love you but sometimes you can be so fucking stupid!” He shouts, before spinning on his heel and leaving Gerard standing there dumbly.  
He has no idea what Mikey means and he thinks about it all night. He sits in bed re-running the whole afternoon in his head trying to pick up the bit he misunderstood but he can’t seem to find it. It’s not until lunchtime on Monday, after enduring silence from Mikey the whole of Sunday does he realise what Mikey meant. He then realises he fucked up. Big time.  
“Mikey...” Gerard whines when he gets home later that day. “I think I fucked up.”  
“Well, its about time.” Mikey replies snidely from the couch, not turning to look at Gerard.  
“You gotta help me fix it Mikes.” Gerard’s aware he sounds like a snivelling toddler but he’s beyond caring.  
Mikey scoffs, “And why should I do that?”  
“Because!”  
“Ah yes, you make a very convincing argument. Really Gerard, you should have gone into politics.”  
“Please Mikey, you’re my brother, you’re supposed to deal with my problems.”  
“Hm not your best, Gee.”  
“You got me into this mess in the first place!” Gerard tries; he’s beginning to get tired of this. He needs Mikey’s help because he’s kinda useless otherwise.  
“No, Gee, you got yourself into this mess.” Mikey huffs.  
“Fine, I got myself into this mess because I was such a fucking coward. But you have to help me make it ok again, please, Mikey?”  
Mikey slowly turns his head to look at Gerard and raises his eyebrows; very carefully he says, “Fine, fine I’ll help you, I guess you are pretty useless without me.”  
“Thank you! Thank you Mikes.” Gerard practically leaps on his brother, hugging him to within inches of his life. “I’ll order some pizza, you hungry?” He says, jumping up and rushing to the phone on the counter. Mikey looks on, eyebrows buried in his hair line and smiles to himself. His brother is such a fucking moron.  
Gerard spends the next few days trying to figure out a plan which, in his mind, he’s named The “get-Frank-to-forgive-me-and-love-me-again-like-I-love-him-so-I-can-kiss-him” Plan. He thinks it’s catchy and smooth, Mikey disagrees. However, so far, all he’s got is the name and Mikey doesn’t even like that, so long story short, he’s no closer to making a plan than landing on the moon in a spaceship made out of cereal boxes.  
Fortunately for him, he teamed up with Mikey, who somehow manages to come up with a brilliant idea that Gerard’s sure will work to full effect. Sometimes his brother is pretty useful. So, using Mikey’s super powers as an idea maker – seriously the glasses must have something to do with his superior brain power – Gerard begins operation “get-Frank-back” (Mikey demanded it be re-named since he was the one who suggested the idea).  
Gerard starts at work that Friday when he really should have been finishing those cacti for his boss, but seriously Frank is more important than a few plants trying to sell cars or whatever the hell they’re advertising. The plan is going to require some serious leg-work on Gerard’s part; for one, he’s actually going to have to leave his apartment next weekend; he’s also going to need to visit the shop on more than one occasion. The first part he can luckily complete sat at his desk though as it involves drawing Frank a little ‘I’m sorry’ card featuring a few zombies ripping out a couple of hearts and handing them to a miniature Frank. Gerard’s controlling the zombies. Personally, he thinks Frank will appreciate the unconventional, plus Frank always said he loved zombies.  
That weekend he gets dressed early and goes to see Ray. The walk there he consoles himself with the fact that this is for Frank so it doesn’t matter too much that it’s early enough to still be declared bedtime and he’s only had two cups of coffee this morning. He thinks if he says it over and over again he’ll stop wanting to kill every living being that so much as glances at him. He makes it to Ray’s apartment without any blood being spilled which, Gerard thinks, is a medal worthy achievement.  
“Hey, Ray.” He groans when Ray opens the front door and lets him in. “Mikey told you I was coming, right?”  
“Yep, how can I help you?” Ray smiles politely like it isn’t ass-o’clock.  
“Ew, coffee first.”  
“Oh yeah, almost forgot you should still be imitating the dead at this time.” Ray laughs leading Gerard into the kitchen and putting on the coffee maker.  
After they’ve poured themselves coffee and Gerard is convinced he won’t kill Ray – admittedly he does spend a large portion of time imagining how Ray’s blood would splatter if he stabbed him at a certain angle – Ray invites Gerard to continue with his request, seriously his wording was something to that effect.  
“Right, you were serious when you said you worked with Frank, right?” He says nervously tugging at his jeans.  
“Yep, by the way, he’s pissed at you.”  
“Yeah, I figured he would be.”  
“So, what do you want?” Seriously, Ray is being overly polite and it’s making Gerard queasy. Gerard tells Ray the plan and Ray nods the whole time, smiling encouragingly every now and then. At the end, Ray congratulates him on coming up with such an amazing idea that’s defiantly going to work. Gerard doesn’t mention it wasn’t his idea, just accepts the compliments like a grown-up...not.  
On the walk home Gerard thinks more about what’s going to happen this weekend. All the wheels are in motion and everything should, emphasis on the ‘should’, work out just fine. He hopes at least. Even if the plan works out ‘just fine’, Frank could potentially still not want to talk to him and he reluctantly is forced to consider this possibility. When he gets home, Mikey is still not awake, the fucker, and Gerard decides he’ll be a lovely brother and make pancakes since he is awake. He forces all thoughts of Frank out his mind and concentrates on not messing up the batter mix — he doesn’t want any cooking-disaster fuelled insult of Mikey, again.

Gerard spends the whole of the next week messing up countless drawing of stupid pigeons (oh yeah, there’s a step-up) nervously fretting about the coming weekend. He’s starting to regret ever listening to Mikey now, judging by the state of his nails and his lips. He had to buy Vaseline his lips were that chewed-up. He’s sure at one point on Thursday afternoon after messing up yet another cat riding a bicycle (where do these people get theses ideas?!) his boss is going to fire him. Somehow though, he manages to evade the eyes of everyone he works with and makes it home, job still in tact, although there’s now a hole in his shirt where he picked a loose thread.  
Friday is even worse; like seriously, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards; wow he really should write lyrics to crappy pop songs, he’s really loosing it here. He spends the entire day at work not doing work and worrying about the next day instead. If he’s looking forward to any of this, it’s being able to concentrate on work again.  
“Mikey, I change my mind, I want to cancel tomorrow!” He says when Mikey comes home to find him curled up on the floor picking at their tatty carpet.  
“No way. This is going to happen and it’s going to be good.”  
“But what if it isn’t good, Mikes?”  
“I’ll laugh.” Gerard looks up with worried eyes. Mikey just laughs, “Joking, it’ll be fine, Gee, just stop worrying.”  
“Fine.” He does not stop worrying.

The next day is Saturday, just as Gerard predicted, and he spends the entire morning with his face pressed into the pillow trying to suffocate himself just so he doesn’t have to go through with tonight. He gets up some time in the afternoon only to pee and get more coffee and goes back to bed. It’s not till around five o’clock when Mikey comes in and actually starts kicking his bed that he gets up and showers. He comes back into his room to find a beer on his bedside table, which he drinks to settle his nerves. Mikey can be seriously great sometimes. He spends an hour in front of the mirror feeling like a girl trying to find something decent to wear. In the end he ends up with a Misfits shirt and skinny jeans. He manages to stand in front of the mirror flicking pieces of hair out of his eyes and rubbing his hands on his thighs nervously before Mikey drags him away grumbling about him taking more time than a woman. Gerard laughs; it’s the most hypocritical thing Mikey’s ever said.  
By the time they get to the bar, because that is where the plan will unfold, duh, it’s packed – just like Ray said it would be. Gerard scrambles to the bar and gets him and Mikey a beer then pushes through the crowds of people to find somewhere to stand where the stage is in clear view. He waits with baited breath in eager anticipation of what will happen. However, he probably ends up looking like an idiot, because between sound checks and tuning, the band isn’t on stage for another 45 minutes.  
To top it off, Mikey abandons him for some girl with a half-sleeve tattoo and a nose piercing.  
Five minutes before the band is set to go on, he glances across and catches Ray’s eye. Ray winks and smiles at him. That’s the cue. That means the plan is going to happen. It’s going to happen. Gerard inhales sharply, no turning back now, he thinks. He’s pretty sure he’s going to die from heart palpitations and curses his weak anxiety ridden mind. He really ought to pull himself together. He grips the bottle tightly till his knuckles turn white and continues to watch as Ray grabs Frank’s arm. Ray whispers something in his ear and Frank nods grudgingly. Gerard is sure his face is turning red because he’s just not breathing.  
A couple of minutes later and Frank appears on stage and the shouts of the crowd quieten to a low thrum. Frank’s voice cuts through with careful clarity on the speakers.  
“Hey, guys! Hope you’re all having a good time, my associate is claiming to be busy and so you’ve gotta look at my face while I give some announcements. First off, no deliberate hitting people in the face – it’s a little rude. You see someone on the floor, please pick them up, I don’t want to have to call the insurance company – they’re wankers, expensive wankers at that.” There’s a laugh from the crowd and Frank smiles. “Right yeah, so blah blah blah, play it clean but have fun. Couple of messages – ‘could the jackass who blocked me in, move your shitty red Ford Fiesta?’ I dunno can you? Yeah Mr. Fiesta, move your car please. This is the last, I promise, someone called Gerard wanted to – “ He stops suddenly looking down at the card in his hand; Gerard’s card. He looks shocked for a minute apparently reading the words, and then he smiles and looks back at the crowd.  
“Never mind, ah, continue with your fun, there’s a band gonna come out now...bye.” He gives a quick wave before jumping off the stage and heading to the bar. The lights go down and the band comes on.  
Gerard sips at his beer, concentrating on a piece of dirt on his shoe. He looks up just in time to see Ray pointing Frank in his direction. Frank smiles, pats Ray on the back and starts over for Gerard.  
Gerard continues to drink his beer and attempt to regulate his breathing so he doesn’t die right in the middle of a crowded bar whilst in the middle of trying to fix a ten-year long relationship disaster.  
“Need another one?” Frank says pointing at the beer in Gerard’s hand, which he now realises, is empty. Great, he’s been drinking from an empty bottle.  
“Nah, not right now.” He wavers nervously looking up. He’s pretty sure he dies right then, he wouldn’t mind it either, except he kinda would like to apologise to Frank. He apparently didn’t look at Frank properly the other week and that’s a shame, because Frank somehow managed to get even more attractive. This apparent improvement on Frank’s already too-good-to-be-true looks distracts Gerard for a moment and it takes a well practised throat clear on Frank’s behalf to get him to look back up and meet Frank’s eyes again. Frank looks surprisingly composed for a man who’s just undergone the serious scrutiny of an old pervy man.  
Gerard coughs a little in an attempt to find his voice. “Hey.” He says lamely. Wow pat on the back Gee, absolutely fucking nailed it.  
“Hey, Gee. Erm, how you doing?” Frank asks.  
“I’m ok I guess, you?”  
“Not bad.”  
“Look Frank, I’m sorry about the other day-“  
“No, no dude. That was- I mean I was-“  
“How about we start over?” Gerard’s impressed with his sudden ability to form grammatically correct sentences and even manages to smile at Frank. He’s just in the middle of contemplating his miraculous genius when he’s distracted by a pair of lips pressing against his. He’s confused at first but soon relaxes into the kiss. It’s chaste really, light and more of a mutual apology than anything. It doesn’t stop it being amazing and Gerard struggles to hide his disappointment when Frank pulls away and it’s over.  
“Um I’m guessing you’re cool with starting over then?” Gerard asks and Frank fucking giggles.  
Frank leans in again and kisses him again. The kiss is deeper this time. Frank’s all lips and tongue sliding them apart, licking the inside of Gerard’s mouth and Gerard cannot contain the moan that escapes out the corner of his mouth. After a minute Gerard realises where he is and the amount of strange bodies that are pressed up against him. He pulls away out of breath and feeling very flushed.  
“It’s good to see you again Frankie. I missed you.” He breaths making Frank smile widely. His eyes go crinkly at the edge and it makes Gerard’s stomach swoop and a whole bunch of butterflies erupt. He can’t help grinning back and reaching for Frank’s hand. Frank pulls both their hands up to his mouth and kisses Gerard’s pale one lightly whispering, “Missed you too.”  
Gerard can’t believe this. Frank is stood right in front if him kissing his hand. It fells like a dream but only, the best dream in the world and it’s actually real. Gerard doesn’t know what to do though. He wants Frank, wants every part of him, pressed against him where he can hold him and never let him go again. He wants to apologise for everything that happened. He wants to scream and tell the whole roomful of people that Frank Iero just kissed him, and all their lives suck in comparison because Frank’s tongue wasn’t literally just in their mouth. He wants to gloat and rub it in because it feels amazing but then Frank’s gone. As in he’s not stood in front of Gerard anymore holding his hand, no, he’s walking – well running really – back over to the bar where he grabs Ray and says something in his ear. Gerard’s confusion doesn’t last long though, because after Ray grins and nods wildly shaking his huge hair all over the place, Frank’s bounding back over to him and grabbing his hand. Gerard lets himself be dragged along with Frank right out the back door of the club to what he presumes is the staff car-park. Frank swivels round suddenly and slams Gerard against a random car – of course he doesn’t notice what kind of car it is, hello, hot guy pressing against you – and kisses him hard. It’s an angry mix of teeth scraping and tongues battling for dominance. He’s a little taken aback and doesn’t quite get any time to put his hands anywhere before Frank grabs his wrists and pins them either side of his head.  
“I’ve been thinking about this for ten fucking years.” Frank growls snapping his hips forward and the only response Gerard has is to whimper and slide his thigh between Frank’s legs. He feels completely at Frank’s mercy, but in a very good way, and he can’t rightly remember the last time he was this turned on. Frank pulls his mouth away and starts trailing wet kisses up Gerard’s jaw-line to his ear and starts biting at the lobe.  
“Ahh.” Gerard gasps shamelessly. He feels the vibrations of Frank’s laugh in his ear and he’s pretty sure any minute now he’s going to cum in his pants like a teenager loosing their virginity.  
“You alright there Gee?” Frank asks with the tone of innocence, smirking at Gerard and looking at him through his eyelashes. Gerard’s knees give in on him and he feels his body sliding down the car. Luckily, Frank is there to keep him upright and pressed tightly against the car.  
“Can we-“ Gerard stops short when he feels Frank grab at his crotch and give it a tight squeeze. Everything seems to a little hazy; all he can feel is Frank; Frank’s hot breath against his neck; Frank’s body pressed against him, and, most prominently, Frank’s hand gripping his dick.  
“Did you say something, Gee?” Frank asks again, all sweet and nonchalant, pretending he isn’t aware of the effect he’s having on Gerard.  
“Can we- ahh!” Gerard gasps as Frank squeezes his dick again.  
“Sorry didn’t quite catch that, could you say again for me, please?” Gerard can hear the smirk in his voice, fucker.  
“Um, Frank,” He takes a deep breath in order to gather his thoughts and form full conjugated sentences, “Can we- can we please get out of here?” He says in a rush.  
“Ohh,” Frank says feigning surprise, “Is that what you were trying to say?”  
“Yes.”  
Frank smiles sweetly and pulls off of Gerard, keeping his hands tightly wrapped around his wrists he pulls Gerard with him and fishes his keys out of his pocket. He opens the door for Gerard – must have been Frank’s car they were grinding against – and walks round the other side to slide in. Gerard feels slightly tingly at this gentlemanly display and smiles to himself.  
They drive in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Frank speak, his voice surprisingly soft,  
“Look Gee, I just want you to know I’m sorry for everything. It was the biggest mistake of my life, letting you go-“  
“Frank-“ Gerard tries, but is cut short.  
“No, I gotta say this or I probably never will and I’ve been working on this speech for years now so it would be a waste of my talent. I just- I’m so sorry and I want you to know I never blamed you. Mikey says you’ve been beating yourself up over it for years now and I wanted to say I don’t blame you. We were stupid kids; we didn’t really know what we were doing. But I always loved you, I still do, Gee. I never stopped loving you and I just wanted to tell you that.” He keeps his eyes fixed on the road ahead, as though looking at Gerard would render him speechless – Gerard knows the feeling. Every look of Frank takes his breath away, let alone his voice. He knows he has to say something, though he’s not quite sure what.  
“I thought you hated me.” Well that was better than nothing – well, maybe not.  
Frank does turn to look at him this time, mostly to do with the fact that they’ve now stopped at a set of traffic lights, but his face looks pained and Gerard’s not sure he wants to see it.  
“I could never hate you, Gee. You honestly thought that all this time?”  
“Yeah, I mean, I really wanted to call you and so many times I was so close. But I guess I’m just a coward and I thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me. I imagined seeing you again; I tend to get attached to people and fixated with fantasies of meeting them again.”  
“How did you imagine us?” Franks asks slowly, as if he’s afraid of the answer.  
“I imagined us together; living in a nice house with a dog and a garden and a stupid bookshelf with our life on it.”  
“We could still do that you know, Gee.” Frank looks as though he wants to slap his hand across his face and shove the words back into his mouth. He gawps a little, surprised that those words did in fact just slide of his tongue, but luckily – judging by the sheer force of acceleration – he’s saved by the green light.  
Gerard takes a moment to process what he’s just heard. It probably shouldn’t have come as that big a surprise considering Frank did just tell him he still loved him, a fact which Gerard glazed over without any thought, but Gerard isn’t used to this much information all at once and the idea that anyone would want to spend any amount of prolonged time with him does come as a tiny bit of a shock.  
“Really?” He asks eventually because apparently he lacks any kind of originality in his questioning technique.  
“Yeah, I mean, not right away or anything- like, I think it could—I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Yes, I would very much like to buy a house with you and chose a puppy together and walk round IKEA on a Sunday afternoon browsing for weird bookshelves to put tacky-framed photos on. I would, yes that would be nice, if that was what you wanted.” Frank finishes quietly as he turns up a street and pulls into a small car park at the bottom of an apartment complex.  
“Is this where you live?” Gerard asks.  
“Yeah.”  
“Cool,” Gerard turns in his seat smiling like a kid in a sweet shop that’s just been told they can buy whatever they want. “’Cause I need you take me upstairs and fuck me and, then tomorrow, we’re taking a trip to IKEA.”  
Frank’s mouth drops open and his eyebrows shoot so far up into his hairline that he’ll probably need to relocate them again later this evening. For a minute or two he mimics a fish; opening and closing his mouth slightly as though he’s trying to do a tricky sum in his head and somewhere along the line, he’s lost track of one of the numbers he needed.  
“I’m sorry Frank, was that too forward? It’s just you said you loved me, and I thought that- I mean, it sounded much better in my head. God, who am I trying to kid? I can’t pull that off.” Gerard stutters nervously, all his self-assurance from just a moment ago having disappeared the instant Frank decided to re-enact ‘Finding Nemo’.  
“No!” Frank practically yells, flailing his arms round. “I mean, no, it wasn’t too forward, it was kinda- it was fucking hot! I mean- don’t leave?”  
Gerard laughs, grabbing one of Frank’s wrists as it swoops close to the rear-view mirror and pulling it down so he can kiss his hand. “I’m not leaving.”  
Frank shudders a little as he feels Gerard’s lips ghost over his knuckles and reaches down to unbuckle their seatbelts with his free hand. “I thought we were going upstairs...? Something about fucking? Eh, whatever I guess-“ Frank barely has time to finish his sentence before Gerard is opening the door and rushing round the other side to let Frank out. They scramble hand in hand though the dark car park and up to the front door of the building; once inside they rush, giggling slightly like teenagers on their first date, toward the elevator and hurriedly press the down button.  
When the door opens, Frank grabs Gerard by the collar and practically throws him in, slamming him back against the mirrored wall and kissing him hard and rough. The heat rolls of their bodies, collecting between them and pooling around their stomachs, with an increased sense of urgency and desperation.  
Gerard can hear the blood rushing in his ears as Frank’s tongue glides over his bottom lip before slipping past to start licking the inside of his mouth. Again, for the second time that night, Gerard feels completely weak at the knees, at Frank’s mercy, and, to be perfectly honest a little submissive. He allows Frank to scrape his teeth over the corners of his mouth; allows him to suck his lower lip and bite it slightly; he most certainly doesn’t complain when Frank breaks off only to reattach his lips at the skin beneath his ear and start sucking and nipping like mad. His brain has shut off all thoughts that aren’t Frank and he isn’t aware of the door opening and closing again till he hears a tight cough and a rather pretentious looking old woman glaring at them.  
They reluctantly part and return the lady’s disapproving looks. Frank however, makes good use of the non-kissing time to slide closer to Gerard and start groping his ass. Gerard refrains from squawking because he’s pretty sure their elevator buddy hasn’t seen any action in about fifty to sixty years and probably wouldn’t be able to handle the idea of two guys getting it on shortly after they see her. Luckily the uncomfortable situation ends when a faint dinging sound signals the end of the longest ascent in an elevator known to man – seriously though, Frank may as well live at the top of the Empire State Building for the length of time it’s taken – and Gerard kindly lets the old woman out first though he secretly curses her for interrupting their make-out session.  
Frank uses the hand which is still pressed against Gerard’s ass to shove him out into the hallway and along till they come to what Gerard assumes is Frank’s apartment – or else they’re about to break and enter and then, what, sex?  
They make it inside and Gerard feels like fist pumping and singing a song because he’s finally going to see Frank naked again which, in Gerard’s eyes, is a matter worth celebrating. However he doesn’t get time for either of those things which isn’t such a bad thing considering Frank has Gerard pinned to a wall with his wrists above his head and a thigh between his legs. He groans into Frank’s mouth when he feels Frank’s leg jut forward and give him some much needed friction.  
“You’ve no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do this.” Frank says between kisses. Gerard manages to free one of his hands and cups Frank’s cheek gently, tilting it upward so he can look properly into his eyes.  
“I think I could take a pretty good guess. Somewhere in the region of how long I’ve been waiting to do this.” Gerard replies, quickly freeing his other hand and sliding it along Frank’s hip. Then, in a matter of seconds, he flips them around so Frank’s the one slammed against the wall and drops quickly to his knees.  
“If that’s not the right answer, give me a minute to think about it whilst I blow you. Deal?” He says, smirking back up at Frank as he begins to unbuckle his belt and jeans.  
“Yeah, I’m ok with that.”  
Gerard manages to get Frank’s jeans pulled past his knees, although not without some angry muttering about ‘motherfucking jeans’ being ‘even tighter than mine’ and is finally met with Frank’s dick, fully hard now and flushed from all the restraint. Apparently Frank goes commando and the thought makes his own dick twitch a little in his pants. Gerard licks his hand slowly still eyeing Frank, who is stood with his mouth open panting, cheeks flushed and, legs spread apart. He grips Frank’s dick and enjoys the hissing sound he hears above him. Slowly, he starts to stroke Frank, flicking his wrist and rubbing his thumb over the head. He bobs his head to suck at the tip before sliding all the way down Frank’s length. As it turns out, Gerard has quite good gag reflexes and pushes his head right down till he can feel Frank at the very back of his throat. He licks back up the underside, hand replacing his mouth and gliding smoothly. He knows he’s good at this; it’s one of the few things he isn’t modest about even if he only brags about it to himself inside his head and so he’s determined to prove it to Frank.  
Frank writhes quite violently against the wall, straining to not thrust forward into Gerard’s mouth. He slides a hand forward and knots his fingers into Gerard’s hair and begins to tug earning a long moan from Gerard as he continues to lick and suck. Frank’s brain is mush. He can’t think of anything which isn’t Gerard’s mouth and how good it feels around him.  
“Fuck, Gee, ahh.” He gasps tugging Gerard’s hair again as he feels him swallow around is dick. “Use- hnngg, fuck- use your teeth a little.” Frank isn’t really aware of what he’s saying, his mind too clouded with feeling to filter his words. He thinks it’s something he maybe shouldn’t have said but then he feels Gerard scrape his teeth up his length and he screams. It’s all too much and he knows he won’t last much longer; he can already feel the tightening in his balls.  
Gerard takes him right down again, swallows and, is very careful to make sure he drags his teeth on his way back up. He feels Frank’s grip in his hair tighten once again and hears him mumble something about being close, but Gerard doesn’t have time to register what Frank’s saying before he’s swallowing as Frank comes down his throat. He continues to suck until Frank is completely done before pulling of with a pop and grinning up at Frank.  
“Fuck! Best blow job ever.” Frank pants sliding down the wall so he’s on his knees in front of Gerard.  
Gerard leans forward to kiss him moving his swollen lips in time and licking over Frank’s bottom one. Frank can taste himself and isn’t sure whether to be turned on or grossed out – probably the first one.  
“Tell me more about the teeth thing.” Gerard says, smirking when the pull apart.  
“Oh god, I don’t even know.” Frank says, cheeks reddening which, Gerard thinks, is an achievement considering how red his face already was.  
“Don’t be embarrassed babe, it’s fucking hot.” Gerard smiles running his thumb over Frank’s cheek.  
“It’s just a weird thing.”  
“Like I say, it’s hot, Frankie.”  
“Like you then.” Gerard is the one to blush this time. “Now, as a thank you, I think I should get to show you something I’m good at.” Frank mumbles against Gerard’s throat, picking a spot just above his collarbone to begin sucking at. He grips his shoulders and pushes them forward so Gerard falls back against the floor with Frank on top of him. Frank continues to bite at the skin there whilst his hands begin to work Gerard’s T-shirt off. It comes off after a little flailing and Frank moves down along Gerard’s chest, flicking his tongue over his nipples and leaving a trail of red marks which are sure to bruise. He reaches for Gerard’s belt and fumbles a little to undo it as quickly as possible and strips his jeans and boxers down and pulls them off completely.  
Then he suddenly jumps up and runs into presumably, the bedroom, pulling his T-shirt off and tripping out off his jeans. Gerard would find it immensely funny if it weren’t for the fact he’s so turned on that even that display of clumsiness is attractive.  
Frank returns and falls to the ground next to Gerard with a small bottle of lube and a condom. He squirts a liberal amount onto Gerard’s hand and moves to straddle his hips. He directs Gerard’s hand round the back of him toward his ass. Gerard catches on and inserts one of his fingers into Frank revelling in the gasps pouring from Frank’s mouth. He continues to finger Frank, adding two more fingers and moving them in a scissoring motion to Frank starts nodding his head, panting loudly and mutters, “Ready, Gee; I’m ready- just, just get on with it please.”  
Frank suddenly remember the condom and grabs it, tearing the packet open and rolling it on to Gerard’s fully-hard dick. He pours a little more lube into his hand and rubs it on Gerard’s cock before lifting himself up and hovering over Gerard. Gerard grabs his hips to steady him, directing him as he lowers his body.  
“Ahhhh fuck, Frankie!” Gerard gasps as Frank sits fully down. He wiggles his hips a little accommodating the feeling of Gerard inside of him.  
“You okay, baby?” Gerard asks.  
“Fuck yeah!” Frank smiles and begins to lift his hips and start moving. Gerard thinks his head might actually explode in a minute it’s so filled with pure pleasure. His mind is a mess of thoughts and indistinct ramblings. Frank is tight and warm and just amazing and he doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to take it. Really, he’s not a teenager any more, but the build up was enough to bring any grown man so close to the edge they could fall with the slightest change in wind speed – or you know, when a hot guy starts riding you on their living room floor.  
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Frank screams, squeezing his eyes tight shut. He twists his hips a little more in the direction he just was and leans down to hungrily attack Gerard’s lips.  
“I’m so close, baby.” He moans as Frank pulls his mouth away to start sucking at his neck. “I gotta—ugh, I just gotta--”  
“Hnng. Go on Gee,” Frank mumbles against his throat before leaning up to kiss Gerard. The kiss is messy, too much panting and moaning, it’s a mixture of clashing teeth and battling tongues but neither of them are complaining. Gerard feels Frank tighten around him just as he feels the growing familiar warmth in the bottom of his stomach start to spread further.  
He looks up to take note of his surroundings. Frank’s head is thrown back exposing his necks and the trail of tattoos starting on his chest. His fingers itch for a pencil and he know this isn’t the appropriate time so he files the thought somewhere for a less desperate situation. The sight alone is enough to make Gerard come undone. But Frank doesn’t stop moving apparently wanting to ring every ounce of orgasm out of Gerard as possible.  
After a minute, Frank pulls off, hissing a little, and drops to the floor next to Gerard panting heavily. Gerard doesn’t blame him. He can hardly breathe himself.  
“We did that the wrong way round,” Gerard says in a rung out voice.  
“Huh?”  
“You were supposed to fuck me.”  
“Well, we can try again later, maybe get it right this time?”  
“Good plan.”  
They’re silent for a while before Frank decides it’s time to get up and move to the bed because the floor is definitely not too clean. He drags himself upright, extending a hand out to Gerard, which he accepts with some grumbling, and they shuffle together the few feet to the bedroom before collapsing on the bed. Gerard’s heart flutters a little as Frank rearranges the covers so they’re roughly covering them both. They fall asleep tangled in each other’s legs.

Gerard wakes the next morning to someone prodding him repeatedly in the chest and moves to swat Mikey’s hand out the way. Only it isn’t Mikey’s hand. Frank’s smiling face is a couple of inches from his and memories of the previous night suddenly flood Gerard’s mind and he can’t control the grin that creeps onto his face.  
“I made you coffee,” Frank says. Gerard immediately forgives him for waking him up early.  
“I think I’m in love,” Gerard replies stretching up and happily receiving the cup Franks places in his hands.  
“You best be asshole, I used the good coffee on you.”  
“Dude, seriously?”  
“Yeah the good beans, none of that instant shit.”  
Gerard takes a tentative sip and smiles in approval. “Yes, indeed – those are the good beans. Where d’you get them?”  
“Are we seriously talking about coffee at 10 am? You’re such a dork.” Gerard feigns a look of hurt and presses his face further into the mug. When he looks up again his face is a little red from the steam and Frank giggles.  
“It’s always a good time to talk about coffee,” Gerard says, all matter-of-factly, “And who you calling dork? I see you Star Wars figure collection!”  
Frank blushes a little and looks across the dresser at the opposite end of the room where several miniature Ewoks are gathered around a bunch of Storm Troopers re-enacting the scene in the forest.  
“Like you don’t have some weird sketch somewhere where you swing across the bridge with Luke instead of Leia,” Frank says still trying to hide the blush that’s lingering on his face.  
“Who told you about that?” Gerard says in a suddenly very high pitched voice.  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“Wait, you mean to tell me you actually own a drawing like that?” Frank says looking incredulous.  
“No...ok yeah but come on! Like you wouldn’t have the same thing if you could.”  
“Well yeah, but I cant draw.”  
“I could draw you one if you want?” Gerard says hesitantly after a minute, still sipping his coffee and staring into the bottom like he’s going to find the answer to the creation of the universe there.  
“Are you serious?”  
“Well, yeah, I mean if you—“ Frank cuts him off with his mouth almost knocking the coffee out of Gerard’s hands but luckily he has some sort of death grip on the mug and manages to get it to the safety of the bed-side table before any kissing/coffee related incident can happen.  
Frank’s tongue tastes minty as though he’s just brushed his teeth and Gerard finds something comforting in how domestic it seems.  
They end up kissing their way into the shower and Frank finds out his bath tub isn’t quite wide enough for him on his knees. He’s a little uncomfortable but it’s so worth it for all the noises Gerard is making.  
They don’t make it much further than the bed for the whole day, excluding the half hour when Frank cooks them both brunch which they carry back to the bed to eat.  
Luckily, the next day, they actually manage to leave the apartment, Gerard wearing Frank’s Frankenstein T-shirt, and do in fact spend the whole afternoon getting lost in the winding isles of IKEA after Gerard calls in sick. No fucking monkeys or cacti or cats or whatever else they hand him next are going to ruin his day.  
That evening, after Frank’s gone to work, Gerard walks into the apartment to find Mikey trying to microwave a metal tin of spaghetti. Only he’s too blissed out to yell so he casually tells him that microwaves and metal don’t mix. Mikey laughs it off and begins pestering Gerard about his weekend.  
“So, I take it you went back to his place? Wouldn’t have hurt to let me know where you were; for all I knew you were lying in a gutter somewhere,” he says though he’s laughing at the same time.  
Gerard tries for ignoring his presence and not answering any of his questions...for about two and a half minutes before he gives in and tells Mikey pretty much everything.  
At the end of it, both him and Mikey are grinning and Mikey punches his brother on the arm in some manly display of congratulations. Gerard can’t help the smile that stays in his face all night and, if he doesn’t truly pay attention to whatever low-budget British horror movie they’re watching then who’s really to blame. Frank, Gerard thinks, definitely Frank.

**Epilogue**

\--June 25th 1995—

Gerard sits on the wall swinging his legs back and forth to the beat of some random song he’d heard on the radio earlier that day. He waits patiently for Frank, cigarette hanging limp between his fingers and the letter tucked into his jacket, its warm weight familiar against his heart. He feels relaxed. Everything that’s been bothering him for the past few weeks seem to have slid together off his chest. He can feel the gentle thrum of his heart and his palms are a little sweaty but he’s still relaxed; just nervous relaxed. He knows this’ll work, or at least he really hopes it does because he doesn’t want to think about how empty his life will be without Frank.  
As if on cue, Frank wanders casually up to Gerard, waking him from his non-thinking relaxation. Frank grins, all big and innocent but Gerard’s not stupid, he can see the fear in his eyes. They haven’t talked about college in a while but it’s still been on both their minds.  
“Hey Frankie,” Gerard calls jumping of the wall so he can pull Frank into a tight hug.  
“Hey baby,” Frank mumbles against Gerard’s chest, “So, we really doing this?”  
Gerard nods lightly and takes Frank’s hand in his as they begin to walk back in the direction Frank just came from.

Gerard knocks on the door, hand still tightly gripping Frank’s trembling one and waits. It swings open and a women appears looking slightly flustered; she looks at Frank, then Gerard, then at their joined hands and he eyes turn grey. Her lips press together in a tight line and her eyebrows furrow. Gerard can feel the anger radiating of her, like warm heat that for some reason chills him to the bone, but he stands his ground and looks back at her with his best determination face.  
“Hey, Mom...” Frank trails off losing his voice. Gerard can feel Franks hand shaking and knows if he looks up he’ll probably see tears pricking his eyes. “Um, Mom, this is-“ he chokes off again and Gerard can’t take it anymore.  
“Hello,” he says extending his hand to Frank’s Mom, “I’m Gerard, Frank’s boyfriend.”  
She looks at his hand with a slight look of disgust and he lowers it out of fear that she might snap it out its socket.  
“Frank, this better not be true,” she says curtly, taking a deep breath through her nose.  
Gerard feels his hand squeeze as Frank looks his mother dead in the eye and says, “Yes it is true. This is Gerard, he’s my boyfriend and I’m in love with him. Just thought we should swing by and say hey.”  
Gerard’s never seen anyone look so livid in his life and his resolve disappears leaving him practically quaking in his boots.  
“Get inside now, Frank,” She grits out but Frank stays still, “NOW.”  
Frank makes a move backwards but his mother is quick and grabs hold of his wrist, the one that’s linked to Gerard, and tugs sharply so Frank lets go of his hand. There are actual tears in his eyes now and his face is red with anger.  
“Get the fuck off of me!” He yells at her but she turns her attention back to Gerard shoving Frank behind her a little.  
“Get the hell away from my son, you sick fag!” She bites and Gerard is a little worried for his life.  
“Look, Mrs Iero, just let me explain—“  
“I don’t want to hear anything, I just want you to leave.”  
“Why?” Gerard cries, throwing his hands in the air. “Why can’t I see him?”  
“Because he’s my son and I make the rules and I don’t want you anywhere near him.”  
“Mom!” Frank shouts from behind her and Gerard’s heart shatters when he sees his tear-stained face. She wheels around, almost like she’d forgotten that her son was right there.  
“Stay out of this Frank. This boy has got you confused.”  
“I’m not confused, mom. I’m fucking gay but I know what I want, I want Gerard.”  
She laughs then. A dark bitter laugh that makes something in Gerard’s stomach churn. She moves forwards and slaps Frank hard across the face. Gerard lurches forward but she spins on her heel and glowers at him.  
“Come one step closer and I’ll hit you too,” she threatens .  
“Go on. Hit me, see if I care.”  
“Alright then, I’ll hit him again. Seems like he could use some sense knocking into him anyway.”  
Gerard wavers and tilts his head so he can see Frank who’s clutching the side of his face looking utterly broken.  
“You wouldn’t,” Gerard whispers, but the words are barely out his mouth before she’s spun round and taken yet another swing at Frank. Gerard’s eyes sting as he feels tears and he automatically reaches a hand out to Frank. She hits him again and Gerard can’t take it.  
“Stop it! Please, god, just stop it,” he cries and she fucking hits him again, “Stop it! I’ll leave, I’ll leave just—stop hurting him.”  
She hesitates and looks at Gerard with some sort of cruel smile, hand still hovering near Frank as though ready to hit him again.  
Gerard looks at Frank through the tears in his eyes. His heart stops beating and his blood runs cold. He cant breathe.  
“I’m so sorry, Frank, just, I love you.” He whispers and he knows his voice is so shot and cracked it’s barely audible.  
Gerard spins round and runs quickly down the path and pretends like he doesn’t hear Frank calling his name.  
He cries for what feels like forever and doesn’t leave his room much for the next few months.

_June 25th 1995_

_Dear Frank,_  
 _I know you don’t feel right when I’m leaving and neither do I. But it’s gonna be ok, you can come and see me in New York and I’ll still come home most weekends. You’re the only place I call home, all I really want and I won’t let that go. Today is probably gonna suck but it’ll be alright in the end and I promise you this is just the beginning. I can’t begin to thank you for being there for me for the past year and it’s because of you I got into college, hell, it’s because of you I’m still alive. I was a mess you see, I’d lost the plot so bad and you dragged me up and out. I’m eternally in your debt and I’d like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life trying to pay you back. This sounds so cliché (I’m laughing at myself right now) but I’m not a poet._  
 _So I have a question for you to ponder, obviously it’s way to early on to answer it, but I was wondering if one day you’d marry me so it’s much harder for you to leave me? I’ll even get you a ring like the one from Lord of the Rings but that would be a bad metaphor, wouldn’t it? Eh, you’re my precious,_  
 _I love you, Frankie._  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S Guess what...? I love you!_

_June 25th 2005_

_Dear Frankie,_  
 _So, it’s been exactly ten years since I last wrote you a letter and I thought it was about time you saw this one. Clearly I kept them all but that one is the only one you never read so I owe it to you to see it. I’m not sure what we used to write about because I feel a little lost for words. You’re asleep right now and I’m watching you...creepy right? You look so beautiful, Frankie. And peaceful so I don’t want to wake you up but I’m going to get some coffee, we’re out of the nice stuff. The question in my last letter still remains, I would be very interested in marrying you and, I guess I could get you that ring...in fact I already did, ‘cause you’re such a dork. Anyway, I guess I have one more thing to say, that I didn’t think it would get better but you are an example of better things to come. 10 years without you was long enough for a lifetime and then some, so please don’t leave me?_  
 _Gee xo_  
 _P.S Obviously I fucking love you!!_

Gerard smiles to himself and leaves both the letters on the pillow next to Frank, on their bed.


End file.
